tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
