Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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