no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
