honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
