u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
