Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
