Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Randomize
