I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
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He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
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There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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