I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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