my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
