I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
