if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
