True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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