so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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