I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
