the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
