She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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