The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize