theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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