If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
