Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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