You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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