I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
