I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
