I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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