So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So squirting runs in the family.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You were trust falling into bushes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
