Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
