I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
