Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
