Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
