Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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