vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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