On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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