Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
