man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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