Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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