marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
