I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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