I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
