who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
