had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
