dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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