She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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