You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
