I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
