i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
