Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
