I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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