hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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