We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
