the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
