I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
