I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So much Jack, so little girl.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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