She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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