I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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