I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
