Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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