If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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