Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
